Just another teen drama
by superbanana
Summary: What would happen if some of Ankh morporks finest were turned into teens, Will hormones blind them, will tempers flair and most importantly does any one remember how to get rid of acne? ON HOLD!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is just a random idea that won't leave me alone. (All mistakes are my own, and I would be ecstatic if you could review on the content not the format.) This isn't going to be a big chapter its just the explanation of why they turn into teenagers etc I can have my fun once Iv set the scene!

P.S: This isn't mine… *sob*… Terry Pratchett owns.

In between Turntable Road and Short Street there is a small alleyway, there has never been much use of this alley because everyone knows that it crosses next to UU and no-body wants to trust the bloody wizards. Halfway down the alley there is six watchmen (or as the league of individuals prefers it) watchpeople.

However, because the alley isn't very wide and the watch is currently trying to be subtle there is a fair bit of groping, pierced every now and again by exchanges like;

"Angua, is that you?"

"No, why?"

"So who's got their hand on my-"

"Sally! Don't think I wont kill you just because were on duty."

"Sorry Sarge, can't blame a girl for tryin-"

"Are you sure he's up there captain?" yelled commander Vimes, as the rain misted around him and covered the rest of his squad in the yellow acid that passed for rain in the twin cities of Ankh-Morpork.

"Yes sir, I can smell him, he's terrified sir," answered Angua looking at the high dome of the University of Unseen Magic's roof.

Vimes frowned at the clouds bruised up grey, black and purple features – ever since the Carcer incident his mistrust of magic had deepened along but this man was just as bad and he couldn't look the other way, even for magic.

"Sir, I fink we shud go 'round da sides and cum 'round from dif'rant directions, like my squad did wiv Geode shale the uver week," grunted Detritus his knuckles glistening in the rains spray. Vimes looked up at the massive sergeant; squinting slightly to keep the troll in view 1).

"Yes Sergeant, I heard about that, but you have to stop before you run into the assailant" countered Vimes.

"But e' definitely came quietly, sir" said Detritus.

"I heard that he didn't have any teeth to talk through" answered the voice of Cheery from everyone's knees.

Vimes signalled for silence before Detritus could answer as a sound behind him made the hind brain twitch. Quickly he spun round… and stared.

"Er Carrot, you visit parts of the city right?" asked Vimes in a strained voice, Carrot stepped forward,

"Oh yes sir."

"Right, well in that case have you ever seen the walls grow green slime at a bloody fast speed"

"No sir, I don't think I can say that I have."

"Right sod this subtlety for a game of soldiers, squad get out of here, fast," as one the watchpeople turned round to race down to the exit currently unslimed but were caught off guard.

_Only in Ankh Morpork would someone find a way to steal the entrance to a bloody alleyway_, thought Vimes with a hint of civic pride. Desperately the squad checked for a way out but none seemed to be forecoming.

The slime touched Detritus first; huge bursts of octorine lights covered his granite skin making it darker and chipped, then slowly shrinking them to half the size. The carefully cultivated Troll muscle began to shrivel away, making the once bulging limbs look weedy and pathetic.

Next was Angua, her body began to shrink and widen, her face puffing out slightly taking years off her, while inadvertently making her seem far more innocent. Her hair shortened along with her still shrinking body, until she looked no older than 14.

This process of shrinking and de-aging continued with everyone until, at last, it hit Vimes full on. His last thoughts before his vision was veiled by the adolescent boys brain patterns 3) was, _Bloody Magi-_

1) The current scenery was to Detritus what a big bunch of zebra's was to one zebra. The only difference was that no-one in the vicinity would ever dream of jumping out to bite Detritus's arse. 2)

2) Well there had been an embarrassing incident with constable clay, drug squad, but no-one ever liked to mentioned that.

3) Which were; eat. Sleep. Drink. Sex. Boobs. Laugh. Scratch balls. Look cool in front of girls.

A/N: Alright I really want to continue and do a chapter on how they fair dealing with adolescent again, will they learn from past mistakes? Will they ignore theses annoying hormones they thought they got rid of years ago? And most importantly will they ever get over all the teenage dramas?

I'll only write it if you think its worth bothering with so please review.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Okay, I only got 1 review for my first chapter. It's fine because that was never going to be the best part but now the stories set, I can start properly. Therefore I'll love you forever if you review, thank you.

Terry owns all.

* * *

Sam Vimes's head was clear of thoughts as he wondered aimlessly to his house. Cockbill Street's familiar flags of washing, hanging from house to house waved at him in the Ankh-Morpork gale winds.

In the familiar swagger of a developing lad; he walked with his arms dangling like two clock pendulums, his legs came before any of his body so that he walked in a slanted position and his hand grasped the edge of his new leather trousers that he had bought off Dibbler on the way, Vimes just about managed to reach his house. (Although he had to keep stopping every now and then to untangle his hands and feet from the complicated knot this style of walk created).

He was young. He was wearing a pair of shiny, shiny trousers 1). Everyone was looking at him! Sam Vimes was the coolest kid on the block.

Problems began to occur only when Sam stood outside his house… things looked different. _That weren't our mam's blouse, and it weren't any of his sisters neither 'cause their mam would tan their hide if they wore those kind of clothes_.

Nervously Sam dragged his hand through his hair – giving it that ever so slightly ruffled look that all young men think looks cool and sexy but actually looks like they can't afford a comb.

_The knocker was definitely different to. _Sam looked down at his boots, his toes stuck out at the ends, but well, at 15 years old Sam was an expert on women and knew that they loved the rugged look in a man.

He took a calming breath and turned the handle, _it didn't used to creak as much as this_, he thought in confusion, or at least what he thought was confusion. However, as soon as he walked into his family home and saw what had happened, he knew that he had never really been surprised before... this… was… unbelievable.

The walls were pink! They had never been pink! Pink was just so unmanly! His mates were never going to let this go, Pink!

Worriedly, Sam hurried until he reached the houses only downstairs door that led into the houses only room. Wrenching it open he stepped into the most odd and unfamiliar room he'd ever seen in his short life and straight into hell as a large figure dressed in a fluffy pink negligee started to scream.

* * *

Delphine Angua Von Uberwald was nervous. City life for a fully grown werewolf was never fun 2) but it was even worse for a new and impressionable adolescent one.

The tantalising smells from different areas were giving her senses a pounding and a half, not to mention that at this age every werewolf is getting to grips with their morphogenic field and so were liable to just suddenly change shape with no warning, as they got older control became easier though, a fact that Delphine really wished would become a reality for her _very_ soon.

She caught sight of herself in one of the shop windows and sighed, she looked hideous, as usual. Her hair was all over the place, why oh why couldn't she just have been born a vampire they had it _so_ much easier.

She was wearing some kind of chain mail that must have been made for someone else. She was painfully aware of the two large indents in the metal that fit perfectly. It was so embarrassing, even Elsa didn't look like this, everyone else didn't have to worry about bras.

She felt out of place in her own skin, her lips pulled down at the corners as she trudged through the wet streets. Ah yes, and that was another thing, Geographically she knew this had to be a city of some kind, the crowds and the pigeon shit attested to the fact. However, when she was little – almost 5 years or so ago, she had read a story about a woman from Klatch called Hocapontas that came to the City of Plotz, and she'd seen pictures of the jolly city people and Hocapontas hadn't been able to move for bread sellers, huge men with red faces, wood choppers and men writing poetry.

Delphine hadn't seen any of these people yet, she assumed that they would turn up later.

The place didn't really matter though; the badge that hung around her neck said 'AMCW' so maybe she was in the city of amcwa whatever the hell that was.

Oblivious to her surrounding Delphine continued walking until her brain finally sent that message that, although no board said it 3), she was standing in a place that, on one of the more fantasy centric maps, would be a small box saying 'here be dragons'.

A shadow moved and a man with a knife stepped into her line of vision, she sensed rather than saw the other two men appear behind her. The man smiled and Delphine felt a wave of rising panic.

_Oh Gods, Oh Gods_, amidst the bubbling panic an unoriginal thought said; _this is too big, we can't deal with this problem in this shape… ahh well that's ok, because we have another one_.

Without any interference from the human part of the brain Delphine began to change, her back stretched, her legs shrunk and changed shape – grew fur.

It took two minutes for the human mind to gain control and that was long enough for the men to have dropped their weapons and fled in a fast and inviting pace…

Delphine was a new woman, she was strong, intelligent and knew everything there was to know about accessorising but there was the _issue_.

An issue that was this; everyone knows that a person who is part wolf and part human is a kind of Dog, everyone also knows that these people are always going to end up chasing their own arse at times.

The dog part of her thought_, they're running, this is a game_. Delphine chased.

* * *

Carrot sat in the dark of the cellar. In the gloom his sharp dwarf eyes, stared at the outline of his hands. They were big hands bigger than anyone else's in the mine – wherever that was now.

In fact, everything of Carrots was bigger than any of the Dwarves in the mine 5). He was approaching six foot now, his hair was the wrong colour for a proper dwarf and his voice kept squeaking and showing him up in front of Minty.

Not to mention that he had not managed to cultivate _one_ hair on his face, when some of the other kids already had beards down to their belts, Minty had a beard you could hide a Chicken in.

Carrot really wished he could be 'one of the lads' like the others, but he never quite managed it.

He pulled a thread that stuck out at the seams oh his leather cloak; he hadn't been surprised to wake wearing chainmail – Dwarves always wore chainmail.

It wasn't that he didn't like being a dwarf, he could speak his dwarfish and recite all of his D'zraktai without a blink, but sometimes he felt like he stuck out like a current in a duelling baguette.

For instance, a few nights ago he, Minty and a few of the others had gone to check on one of the newer seams at the end of shaft 6. It had been going great; Carrot really felt that he had acted like any other Dwarf. And then… and then… Carrot began to blush as the memory resurfaced.

The tunnel had begun to get smaller, the walls closing in as they got closer to the newer digs, until he was bent in an upside L shape. When they came to one of the water tight doors Carrot had opened it for Minty, she had walked through quickly and pleased by this response he had stepped behind her without checking the ceilings height.

He had knocked his head on the even lower ceiling and blacked out for a few minutes. Carrot closed his eyes in relived horror. He had woken up with a mouth full of beard and the sounds of cursing. He'd fallen on Minty, crushing her and their combined weight had sent them skidding a few hundred yards across the damp, muddy earth.

The others had told his father and a few other Dwarves. His mother had tutted and shrugged; his father had looked at him for a long time and then sighed sadly, that had made it much worse.

To top it all off, Minty wasn't talking to him and her family were now boycotting anywhere Carrot went. At times like this, even the story of B'hrian Bloodaxe weren't any comfor-

Thud!

Carrot jumped as a dog-like shape fell into the room and darted into the shadows. There was a noise like 'shlupp' and then the sound of heavy breathing.

Carrot coughed and in the darkness there was the sound of someone trying really hard not to make a noise.

"Err, hello?" said carrot to the silent gloom. There was a pause and then the noise of someone starting to breathe again.

"Hello?" replied the darkness. The voice sounded, in Carrots limited experience, like a girls.

The shadows moved and indeed the figure was that of a girl. She was slightly shorter than him, with amber eyes and blond hair The air seemed to freeze as Carrots eyes travelled down and… err… down again.

She was completely naked except for a strip of cloth around her neck which was holding a badge that hung in between her… err.

Carrot thought he should probably close his eyes but it was like an accident in the mine, you couldn't help but stare, at least she had her hands over her, erm… err… her…he was pretty sure Minty didn't have those.

Oh Gods.

Carrot fainted.

* * *

Detritus was confused and angry. He didn't know where he was or what had happened. De alley had been covered in green stuff and den he 'ad woken up all small and weedy lookin. He was pretty sure Mister Vimes was going to go spare when he saw what had happened 6).

Slowly Detritus dragged himself to the nearest station which was Pseudopolis yard. Nobby was in the yard and Detritus lumbered over to him.

The weather was stifling which wasn't helping, Nobby gave him a once over and walk towards him.

Detritus came eye to knuckle with the man usually but now he was only a bit taller than the odd human.

This was going to be difficult to explain.

* * *

Salacia Delorisista Amanita Trigestrata Zeldana Malifee – well you get the idea, Von Humpeding walked around the streets and tried not to think about balconies hung with women in underwired nightdresses.

She walked slightly hunched over as she tried to avoid whatever bits of the sun managed to fight themselves through the murk of this god-awful city. She was also huched over to hide the fact that her forhead was covered in at least _three_ spots. She'd done her best by dragging a few parts of her hair over them but it just wasn't working out. And there was the fact that she didn't have any kind of cape on, not even a little one. It was so unstylish – a terrifying description for a vampire.

And why was she wearing chainmail to lure a few virgins from their bedrooms, all she could assume was that the virgins in these parts were a bit more beligerent than back in uberwald. Even so, she doubted she'd need the crossbow that hung from her belt, unless they were into that *insert eyebrow waggle here*.

And she was hungry, really hungry like she hadnt drank for years. The roads were'nt very full and she spotted an old woman who was walking alone with a handbag on a very frail looking string. She could smell the womans blood as it pulsed behind the back of her throat.

The rain began to pour down harder as she began to follow the woman, who was now swinging her handbag in an inviting way. Foolish, that'll attract thieves, good thing I can get her before they do.

Slowly Salacia followed the woman into a darker area until she turned int a side alley. This was going to be pathetically easy stupid, stupid prey 8). Well she wont have a chance to be stupid for much longer, though Salacia grimly. Moving like mist, she slid in behind the woman, nails outstretched when… A large rocky hand landed on her shoulder and a voice with the same finality of a dagger being removed from a sheath said,

"City watch, your nicked me old bugger".

* * *

Cherry Littlebottom, yes thank you never heard that joke before mister, walked through the streets as the rain tangled her beard.

The air was muggy, not like the musty stuff back home. Cheery found that although it was different it was quite nice really. It was … interesting here, where ever that was, without the constant sound of machinery, swearing and words like 'Gold' filtering into her part of the mine.

She caught sight of herself in a window and noticed that she was wearing some red substance on her lips- that was odd, although it looked quite good on her really.

Ahead of her a huge neon sign said 'The Mended Drum. From inside Cherry could hear the sound of fighting and every now and again a muffled scream. Cherry sighed, well at least she'd found other Dwarves.

As she got closer two men crashed through the door, well that wasn't unusual Dwarves liked fighting they just usually did it standing up and fully clothed 9).

Cherry hated drinking but it was what we did, and therefore unavoidable. It was embarrassing she was always trying to 'get into the song' but the others were just happy to say 'Gold'. They acted like they loved it, but they never wrote to it after they'd got it into bed.

The door was hanging on hinges that must have been specially designed for the purpose. Cherry walked into the place at 10:30, at 10:31 she was legging it up the next street.

It was weird, there had been dwarves there but there had been trolls and men as well. She'd never had trouble with trolls so she'd gone to the bar. There had been a Dwarf there and he's given her a once over and moved over. In Dwarvish he'd told her his name was Hrun and then he touched her beard. Cherry had been so surprised her axe, in some kind of universal knowledge of how these things should go, dropped down onto his hand.

There had been a pause as everyone drank their pints really fast and got ready for another fight. Then like a tornado over a prairie the first bottle was smashed. Cherry had never moved faster in her life. This place was crazy.

* * *

In an oblong office a man with a pale, calculation face stood looking out of his window. His clerk stood behind him, the clerk was called Drumknott and at the moment was writing down his master's orders.

"I suspect that if the sergeant is correct then Vimes will go to his childhood home, send Clerks Brian and Eiderdown to fetch him and bring him to the palace, and I want Captain Carrot, sergeants Von Uberwald and Littlebottom found, as well as corporal von humpeding. That will be all Drumknott."

Drumknott left the room on feathered feet as Vetinari continued watching his city beyond the glass. The room wasn't gloomy but the lighting must have been off because in the reflection someone might say that _Vetinari, _tyrant and omniscient ruler of the twin cities of Ankh-Morpork_,_ was grinning.

1)Although admittedly they did squeak as he walked, but such matters don't matter to the young.

2)Well except for when the chicken market was in the plaza for the night and the farmers had had a little too much to drink in the Mended Drum.

3)Well not for long anyway – kids love a good board to throw at the weaker children 4)

4)At which point their parents will smile and say 'they grow up so fast' while the weak kid bleeds to death, as nature intended.

5)Alright, will the people sniggering in the back row get a grip, please?

6)Trolls might be slow but they are also hard. Magic was designed for dainty women and rather foppish looking men in tights and puffy shirts that might go out and, depending on the season, pick flowers or eat some local nuts 7) it never seemed to work on trolls.

7)All right that's it, you with the dirty mind, out of the classroom.

8)Thought the girl part of a species, where the concept of day wear had never occurred and the idea of going outside without a cape was as unthinkable as a women owning a handbag that was big enough to hold everything she wanted to carry around (in other words, impossible)

9)Ahh the joy of a stag party, this kind of thing must happen other wise the wedding will be a disaster… apparently.

* * *

A/N: The girl Carrot saw was Angua, in case you didn't understand – more on why she ended up there and what happens when she revives him, also in the next chapter – who the pink negligee wearing woman was, How will Sally talk her way around going for the woman ( cue the worst lying since 'the dog ate my homework, miss' and what will our favourite people do when they have to see Vetinari? I'll write it if you review, thankyou to roruna.


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

A/N: I haven't updated very fast but I got distracted by Christmas, I hope you all had a wonderful time by the way. This is chapter three and I hope to get the next one up fairly soon but I can't promise you anything. Anyway Thank you to everyone that reviewed, *Hands these people a cookie*

Once again I have to say that this doesn't belong to me.

* * *

Sam Vimes, local terror, genuine hard man and total know it all was having a bad day. Currently he was sitting in a room that he was _sure_ was his, with a woman who he was sure was NOT his mother.

The woman in front of him was wearing something that, if a name _had_ to be placed upon it, was shaped like one of the swim suits his mam had in the back of her wardrobe. Except his mam's didn't have so much… feathers, and fluffy stuff in certain areas and it definitely did NOT have bells… there.

The woman had screamed. Vimes had… not exactly screamed, he preferred to think of it as a gruff, manly way of implying surprise while at the same time maintaining the fact that he wasn't afraid of anything 1).

Then there had been a fairly awquard moment while they both got their breath back and then an even more worrying moment as they stared at each other 2).

After a while the woman had offered him a seat in the voice of someone who has just picked up that curiously shaped green object and is beginning to wonder what this pin next to it is for.

Vimes had sat down and watched as she sunk down on a chair on the other side of the room. He couldn't help noticing 3) that as the woman sat down parts of her came into better view, he gulped.

Words like _wowza_ and _phwoar_ were weighting down his mind like giant… giant… objects. Through the haze of youthful lust Sam managed to hear the woman say,

"Who the bloody hell are you? You're not my ten o clock are you?"

"Err, no I don't think so miss" replied Sam trying to remember that although he was a totally street wise dude, his mother would shoot him if she ever heard that he was in this kind of company and therefore being himself would probably not be a good idea at the moment.

The woman was staring at him with an almost calculating way as Sam fidgeted uneasily,

"What's your name kid?" She asked, her severely tweezered eyebrows rising in amusement.

"Vimes, Sam Vimes miss" answered Sam, his chin coming up in a universal sign to show that he didn't like being found funny. To his satisfaction the woman's face changed as he spoke going strangely nervous and then the moment was ruined as she started to laugh,

"Vimes! Ha, there's only one Vimes in this city boy and you aren't him." Vimes stared at the woman as a red mist descended. He had a temper he knew but this was different, someone had stolen his identity. All he could think was that someone must have heard how cool he was and now they had stolen _his_ name. Well, he wasn't going to stand for this, Samuel suffer Vimes was going to have to deal with this _personally_.

"Where does this Vimes bloke live?"

The woman stared as though she was slightly puzzled by something, and then said,

"Scoone Avenue, the house with the dragon pens behind it – everyone knows that. Although you should be careful, the last person who tried to _involve_ himself with Mister Vimes ended up on a boat to Bhang Bhang Duck."

A small part of his mind stirred at the address and through the seas of memories it tried to grab the tail of something slippery – but it was gone as quickly as it had come.

Sam ignored this internal interruption as the rest of his brain started to think ahead. Scoone Avenue. So it was a posh kid who was taking his name – _bloody aristocrats think they can walk around as though they own the place just because they happen to actually own the place._

Vimes took a deep breath and turned towards the door, the inner monsters purred – this was going to be messy.

* * *

Delphine wasn't sure what had happened, it was always difficult right after an unplanned change. She remembered chasing the men, following the pink trail of their terror – and then there had been a moment of morphic uncertainty as a different smell had crossed her path.

It was a kind of soapy blue tinged with the black and red scents of worry – it was totally unfamiliar but none the less it had caused a weight in her world.

Without any input from the human brain she had wheeled round and followed the new scent until she had burst into a dark little cellar. It had been a little bit embarrassing when she had tried to stop 4), she had skid across the concrete floor and slammed into a crate, landing with an 'oof' noise.

She landed in wolf form but quickly changed back to human once she was back in control, although the instincts of the wolf were still fresh I her mind.

That was probably why the faint coughing noise that had happened next had surprised her and she had had to force herself not to change into wolf again.

"Err, hello?" The voice was definitely male, and as he moved the scent that had caused her to get into this mess disturbed the air.

"Hello?" Hesitantly, Delphine stepped into the light and watched as a boy around her age came into view. The first thought that came to mind was 'Wolfgang'; the boy was the only person she'd ever met that could match her brother in the muscles department.

The second thought was 'why's he staring at me?' After a puzzled moment she looked down at her self and stifled a curse, _clothes, clothes, clothes bloody bloody clothes, why do I always forget!_

Her hands rose to give her some kind modesty but anyone could see that that ship had sailed. She watched in mounting horror as the boy's eyes almost popped out of his scull and then with a small sigh he fainted.

Delphine groaned as she looked around the room for something – anything to wear. There wasn't much to go on, in the corner there were a few crates of Gods knew what, but they were covered by a dusty sheet that might have once been white.

Like a small child who has forgotten their PE kit and now has to go into the lost property box, Delphine slouched over to the crates and pulled the sheet off. After draping it around herself like a toga Delphine turned back to the boy who was still laying on the floor like one of Fathers chew toys.

She should leave him, getting involved with humans was like jumping down a silver mine, silly, dangerous and yet… and yet she couldn't explain but she wanted to wake him up , even if it just meant having to knock him out again when he started screaming.

She poked his cheek with her big toe, and sighed when the boy showed a distinct lack of movement. Crouching down she started to tap the side of his face-

_The boy was asleep next to her or at least someone who looked like this boy – he was older though. His arm was slung across her waist and his mouth was slightly open as he snored gently. The room was small, with a picture of some kind of technical drawing on one wall. Delphines head was resting on his chest and an unexplained emotion was flickering through her mind. In the dark she heard herself whisper 'Mine'-_

As though stung, Delphine jerked her hand back.

What in the name of the Gods was that!

* * *

Carrot wasn't the fastest on the uptake, in the mines he was one of the best workers because he did everything he was asked and tried not to ask too many questions, but right now was going to have to be an exception.

He was aware that Dwarves did not find the idea of the different sexes very seriously. Indeed, the idea of someone displaying their sex was almost taboo out side certain situations that no dwarf was told about until they were old enough 5) After all, why would they need to?

But right now, at his particular moment in time he was having a hard time pretending he didn't know that the girl in front of him wasn't female.

He wasn't sure why humans were so different but he had to admit he enjoyed talking to someone who didn't have to look up at him like he was a giant every time he spoke.

The girl was… well she was beautiful, even Minty didn't look like this and somehow Carrot had a vague idea that he had met her somewhere before, maybe she had lived near the mine and bought from them. It wasn't impossible.

He suspected that she could look amazing if she smiled but her face, at the moment, was livid. It was understandable, Dwarves were fairly modest as a race and Carrot could understand why she would be upset but he couldn't help thinking that if she didn't want him to see she shouldn't be walking around dark rooms with no clothes on.

At the moment she was standing near the wall, with an accusing scowl on her face – every now and again she would touch her right hand as though it was hurting her. Confusion was uncommon in the head of a dwarf, so Carrot decided to ignore the questions that were racing through his head.

"Are you alright, miss" he asked, his voice sounding calmer than he felt. The girl shook her head slightly as he spoke, as though she was trying to rid her head of something,

"Who are you? Why were you were in my head?" the voice was accusing and the words were barked out in quick succession, but Carrot felt slightly calmer, for a reason he couldn't explain. He answered the question because that seemed easier than not answering,

"Carrot Ironfoundersson, miss. I don't think I was in your head miss, I doubt I could fit into it, what with it being smaller than my body." The girl stared at him as though she was expecting him to do something else. The memory of those eyes only seconds before he passed out filled his head and he gulped.

The girl continued to stare for a minute and then she shrugged her shoulders slightly. Carrot guessed that she was getting ready to leave and felt an unidentifiable urge to keep her close, as though he'd seen her leave too many times before.

"Wait – what's your name miss?" The girl frowned slightly and said in a reluctant voice

"Delphine Von Uberwald" She quickly moved towards the open door but Carrot thought faster than she could move,

"Wait, I don't know where I am Miss Delphine, could you tell me please?"

The girl turned around to look at him eye to eye,

"No I can't; it's a city, that's all I know. Looks like were both lost."

Carrot frowned and then said,

"If we're both lost then we should find out where we are together, my father always says that in dangerous or unknown territory everyone should take a partner and a number two flat nosed pick, although I don't think I have any of those" The girl – Delphine looked into his eyes as though looking for something in them, she didn't seem to find what she was looking for however and sighed.

"Alright, we can stick together for a bit, but this doesn't mean we're friends or … anything." Carrot nodded and motioned that she should walk through the door first, he watched her walk slightly ahead of him but didn't try to match her speed.

His mind was busy working out whys she had said that they should stick to each other – surely that would be messy. He frowned, humans really were odd.

* * *

Salacia was standing in front of a wooden box, wilting under the stairs of sergeant Colon and Doreen Wilkins. The woman was quietly informing her of how disappointed she was of her, and she kept calling her Sally which was weird.

Colon was just staring, Salacia felt that she knew him from somewhere but couldn't place the man, but that didn't matter, she _was_ a vampire after all. Vampires meet a lot of people.

Doreen appeared to have finished for now and Colon began to speak in a slightly strangled voice, he was afraid – his heartbeat was pulsing faster than any virgin wearing interesting underwear she'd ever met. Hurriedly, he cleared his throat and said

"Just so that we have the story correct, err, Salacia. You noticed that the woman's shoe lace was untied and immediately felt that it was your" he checked his notes, "your civil duty to inform her that it was a health hazard. However you were worried about the sun so you followed her in the shadows and you couldn't chase her or yell out because you were afraid the old dear might have a heart attack in shock. You continued to follow the woman into the alley way in the hope that she would stop so that you could inform her about her shoe lace.

However once you entered the alley you, who are a sufferer of claustrophobia, became anxious because of your condition and spread your arms out, in a way that might look like a bat if you were wearing a cape, to check that you couldn't feel the two alley way walls and reassure yourself that you weren't in a closed off area.

Upon seeing the woman, you noticed that she was wearing two necklaces that had become entangled. Again, as a good citizen you decided to untangle the two pieces of jewellery yourself, however because of your nervous state, due to the small area, you had bared your teeth – this was nothing to do with anything Vampire related such as the sucking of human blood. Have I got that right Ms Humpeding?" Salacia closed her eyes as she listened to the worst explanation since the universally acclaimed 'dog ate my homework' story.

She could tell from their expressions that no-one believed her and she couldn't really blame them, even humans weren't this stupid. Doreen shook her head and then said in a sad voice,

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to take your black ribbon Ms Humpeding, until you can be trusted to be in control, I'll see you at Wednesdays meeting" Salacia frowned at this,

"What black ribbon?" The questioned seemed to annoy the other woman and Doreen pulled out a black ribbon from her pocket and passed it over,

"This is a black ribbon Salacia, honestly what's got into you!" Salacia reached over and picked up the ribbon –

_- __The room was decorated with seats designed to be stacked with minimal effort. At least twenty of them were gathered in a ragged circle and in the middle was a vampire with a pink cardigan and a big smile._

_Currently she was telling everyone how proud she was of young Salacia's effort and her struggle to forgo the B-vord and how sorry she was to hear that their latest success story would be leaving them for Ankh-Morpork very soon. Salacia, who preferred to be known as Sally, was smiling happily – glad that she was finally doing what she wanted, glad that she wasn't addicted anymore – _

Salacia… or was it Sally, well whatever, she dropped the ribbon as though it had burned her and stared at Doreen in shock,

"What was tha-"

The question remained unfinished however, as the doors to Dolly Sisters station burst open under the weight of a Golem, a Dwarf and an odd looking Troll.

The Troll looked young and underdeveloped but still determined,

"Lord Ve'inari wants to see de pris'ner" said the troll, and once again Sally felt that she knew him from somewhere.

Colon was staring at the intrusion in only mild surprise

"Yes, I thought that might happen, err Detritus is that you?" The last question was answered with a curt, or at least by the troll version of curt, nod.

"Constable Sally, you 'nd me should go to de palace now. The Patrician, 'e doesn't have a sense of humour and us in the watch have to look after each other"

Sally stared; she'd never heard a Troll speak more than a grunt before. She looked back at Doreen and Colon and then at the door – anything was better than this.

* * *

Cheery was still running, although she had to admit she had no idea where she was running to. It was getting darker and she felt tired but she knew that she had to keep on running.

This place was crazy. Everything was different, she didn't understand why things were the way they were. Ahead of her was the open gates out of this city, somehow she managed to pick up even more speed.

The plains ahead were flat ground; she could get to somewhere normal and then work out where to go from here. She passed the guards at the gates like a bolt from a crossbow but found herself stumbling as one of the watchmen, a dwarf, jumped her from behind.

Metal clanged on metal as they were both born to the ground. The last thought before everything went dark was _why is it always me?_

* * *

In the dark of the famous Oblong office, Vetinari watched Sergeant Detritus bring Constable Von Humpeding into the waiting room and then the watchmen from the gates carry in an unconscious Sergeant Littlebottom. Vimes, Sergeant Von Uberwald and Captain Carrot were yet to be seen and he made a note to find out where they were at this moment.

At the last report, Sergeant Von Uberwald and the captain had been seen near Chittling street watch house. Only Vimes had been unaccounted for.

Vetinari considered a young Vimes, without his affirmed moral values and his natural affinity for cynicism compared to the well-known belligerent man who he allowed to control the watch.

His lips twitched slightly – he was not cruel, he found it to be a rather pointless activity. After all, only foolish men made more enemies than necessary to keep a city safe; however he couldn't help but find the situation amusing.

He would have to make a note of this moment in his book to remind him, in later years, of what life was like in his city.

Drumknott appeared like dust behind his master and silently lay a folder onto his masters desk.

"I have made an appointment for the Archchancellor at ten 'o' clock my lord."

"Very good Drumknott, and Drumknott?"

"Yes my lord"

"If you were to hazard a bet on how Commander Vimes will be brought to the palace, how would you guess?"

"I believe I would say that he would come loudly sir" answered the silent clerk. In the reflection Vetinari's eyes turned to the roof of the Ramkin estate, he smiled,

"Yes Drumknott, I believe that you are right."

* * *

1) They all say this; but men's girlfriends, and as we're all aware woman know everything, all still say they scream like girls.

2) Well she stared at him, by this stage his mind had realised what he was looking at and had stopped noticing details – well facial ones anyway.

3)Well he _could_ have, but that wouldn't have been as much fun.

4)This action can be explained as this; object A is moving at a fast pace towards object C, to slow down, Object A has to have a running stop when there is no running stop object A ends up hitting object C with a sound very similar to 'Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-'

5) About 65.

* * *

A/N: So should I continue? Only one way to tell me.

Next chapter: Vimes meets his son and wife, will he embarrass himself? (is the pope a catholic?) Angua and Carrot meet up with cheery and Sally, will tempers flair? Only one way of finding out!


End file.
